Couples Therapy Techniques: Emotionally-Focused Therapy

Seeking emotionally-focused therapy (EFT) as a couple, whether you are just dating or have been married for decades, doesn’t have to mean there is anything significantly wrong in your relationship. In fact, many couples are electing to seek counseling together before making any major life decisions (like buying a house, getting married, or having children) even if everything in their relationship seems to be going well. Emotionally-focused couples therapy can be a great tool for any relationship – ahead, we’ll explain what kind of techniques are used in EFT for couples and discuss signs that EFT may be right for your partnership.

Emotionally-focused therapy, defined

EFT is a branch of psychotherapy that can be applied to anyone, whether a single individual, a couple (like we’re discussing today), or even a whole family. EFT is considered a short-term style of counseling (usually between 8 and 20 sessions total). The approach is based on the idea that human needs are connected to human emotions, and that human emotional regulation is a central organizing force in our individual and interpersonal interactions.

If we can harness and work on our emotional regulation with a trained professional, they can help individuals change their problematic emotions/emotional states and heal their interpersonal relationships. This is supported by the statement that emotions affect one's behaviors and actions, according to emotion psychology.

In a way, it is one of the aspects of marriage counseling. 

EFT has been around since the 1980s and was “created” by Les Greenberg and Sue Johnson. The main features of the therapy are the experiential focus, identifying maladaptive emotional responses and recognizing negative interaction patterns. 

Experiential focus is a technique where therapists engage their clients and help them experience their emotions in real time (this is often referred to as mindfulness). When working together with their partner, couples are able to express themselves as the emotions happen instead of bottling them up and allowing them to explode later. 

EFT combines experiential focus with direct counseling on fixed, negative relationship patterns of maladaptive emotional responses and any negative interaction patterns to help couples see through their stumbling blocks so that they can create a healthier relationship that has longevity. It is an offshoot of attachment therapy and employs many of the same techniques, which can also be reinforced by techniques used in parallel processing psychology.

How does emotionally-focused couples therapy work?

Emotionally-focused couples therapy works by using a nine-step process that works to restructure the attachments bonds in the partnership. The result of EFT is that it reshapes the relationship bond to create what is called “effective dependency (the healthy alternative to the codependency many couples experience, even though they may not be aware). The steps are not linear, instead worked through in a spiral pattern with each partner moving at their own pace. EFT only works with the help of a trained, qualified, experienced therapist.

Stage 1: De-escalating the problem

In the beginning, the therapist will meet the couple where they are, which starts by identifying and addressing any relationship arguments that may be occurring. 

• Step 1 starts the session by identifying what brought the couple to therapy in the first place. 
• Step 2 takes that conflict and breaks it down into the negative emotions that may be driving it, which often occur in patterns. 
• Step 3 helps the couple figure out what is causing the conflict, looking closely at any underlying or potentially unconscious causes and responses. 
• Step 4 allows the therapist to help the couple understand the connection between the conflict and the emotions. This lets the couple more thoroughly understand the conflict and the cause of the conflict so that they can move forward together into stage two.

Stage 2: Changing destructive patterns

The couples therapist will help each partner interact better and healthily express their needs. 

• Step 5 sets a safe space so that couples can express their feelings, wants and needs. 
• Step 6 helps each partner individually to understand their partner’s emotions better so that they can accept them. 
• Step 7 helps partners express their own emotions in a way that leads to less conflict. By the end of stage two, couples should have a much better understanding of each other.

Stage 3: Integrating new knowledge

The final stage of EFT helps the couple integrate their new-found knowledge into their relationship. Step 8 involves the therapist teaching the couple ways to communicate efficiently, while the last step concludes therapy with the couple making a plan for managing future conflict.

How long does EFT take to work?

The standard amount of sessions, as mentioned above, is between eight and 20. However, couples may work through sessions at different speeds. Couples that are just checking in or are only mildly distressed will work through conflict at a parallel speed. Couples who are seeking EFT for a more significant problem or range of issues may notice that one partner works through them quickly (typically the partner who is more passive). Since the couple leads emotionally-focused couples therapy, there isn’t a specific time frame associated with “graduating.”

What are the benefits of EFT?

EFT creates a special bond in couples that go through the process with a trained therapist. The approach this type of therapy takes makes both partners feel like they are equal, which leads to a more satisfying, healthy, and open relationship. 

Emotions, according to therapists trained in EFT, should always be used to guide meaningful, healthy lives. Taking a close look at those emotions, including how they function and what can be done to make them healthier, helps partners to learn about each other in a deeper, more satisfying way. 

The results of couples who have gone through EFT are that they have a better understanding, not only of their own emotions but also of their partners. Couples who navigate emotionally focused therapy together find that they can talk about their problems with empathy instead of escalating them into an argument. Many people emerge from EFT with more agency supporting their personal narrative and a greater sense of emotional literacy or emotional intelligence.

Is EFT right for you and your partner?

When you think about it, there are so many ways that conflict can manifest when two people don’t have sufficient emotional regulation skills. For example, have you ever felt that your partner was going to leave you, even with no evidence? Many people have a fear of being abandoned, which can drastically affect the trust that they can have in a partner. Additionally, this fear of abandonment can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, leading someone to push a partner away out of fear that they will leave anyway.

Another sign that you may want to try EFT is if you notice negative emotional responses and patterns in your relationship. If your partner expresses emotions and you immediately become frustrated because you can’t understand them, EFT could be right for you. An emotionally focused therapist helps both people identify and understand those feelings. Partners strive to create a gap between a stimulus and their response, with the goal being to receive communication and refrain from engaging in debate, defensiveness, or harmful coping mechanisms.

Lack of communication is another major issue in relationships where couples could benefit from emotionally focused couples therapy. Partnerships, especially couples who have been involved for longer periods of time, tend to feel like they know their partner and stop asking about their feelings and emotions. That lack of communication can eventually destroy a relationship.

Most therapists start with a 13-aspect checklist to help couples rate their satisfaction with the relationship. Partners are encouraged to do them separately, and then rank the top three aspects they find most important. Each aspect should be ranked from very dissatisfied to very satisfied.

When you and your partner are ready to enter EFT, make sure to start with MyTherapist.com by clicking here. 

Is EFT effective?

Before you embark upon your journey with EFT, you may be wondering about its efficacy in treating different issues that couples experience from time to time. The American Psychological Association (APA) has studied EFT and considers it empirically and clinically supported for depression. Studies from other psychological organizations have concluded that it is also effective for avoidant personality disorder, interpersonal problems, and trauma.

In one study, researchers examined the impact of EFT on factors contributing to emotional distress among 12 infertile couples. Evidence yielded reductions in the rates of depression, anxiety, and stress within these couples, regardless of who was “the source” of the infertility. In several cases, EFT has been found to be more effective than cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) in reducing depression or interpersonal problems. 

If any of those things sound like a pattern from your relationship, you may want to consider emotionally-focused couples therapy. You can search for EFT counselors in your area or consider the benefits of using an online counseling platform like MyTherapist. Online therapists can employ EFT techniques just as a conventional in-person therapist would do. 

One of several advantages to online therapy is that you can attend virtual meetings from any place with a secure internet connection. This means that busy or separated couples can get the support they need on their terms. Many couples report that financial issues are a significant source of strife within their marriage. If this applies to you, you may find that online counseling is a more affordable alternative to face-to-face counseling. 

Various studies have investigated the efficacy of therapy administered in online settings. In one study, younger and older adults receiving treatment for depression via online therapy experienced similar benefits to those who were in a face-to-face treatment cohort. The APA additionally reported that 96% of psychologists who responded to a 2021 COVID-19 Telehealth Practitioner Survey affirmed that online therapy was an effective treatment, with 93% of them intending to keep offering online therapy after the pandemic.

Takeaway

When it comes to maintaining a healthy relationship, all partners have to be willing to hear each other’s needs and feelings, examine their own communication patterns, and make changes in order to grow together. For many, this cause is absolutely worth the effort invested; however, it can be challenging to work on emotional regulation without support and guidance. 

The online counselors at MyTherapist are trained to help couples overcome a variety of hurdles through emotionally-focused therapy, CBT, or other approaches. When you’re ready to start improving your relationship with your partner, reach out to a compassionate, professional MyTherapist counselor today.