How Do I Find A Good Couples Therapist?

If you and your partner find yourself in conflict on a regular basis, it can often seem like you’re constantly rehashing tired arguments and never arriving at a solution. Chances are that you and your partner have tried making some kind of change in how you behave and/or interact. However, you may find that change is short-lived and one or both of you reverts to former negative patterns. 

A couples therapist can be an invaluable resource for couples stuck in negative cycles of conflict. They can work with individual partners and the couple as a whole to improve communication, control emotions, and assign positive associations to one another. Ahead, we’ll explain how couples therapists can help people in relationships, elaborate on the process of couples counseling, and provide recommendations for obtaining convenient online couples therapy.

How does couples therapy work?

A couples therapist will work with you and your partner to help you better understand yourselves and one another as well as the relationship that the two of you have together. When you start to struggle in a relationship, it takes both of you to make changes and fix things, but it is possible to overcome just about anything if you're willing to work at it. The first thing you're going to need to do is to be open and honest with each other. You can't move forward or fix anything if you're not honest about the problem first.

Your couples' therapist will help you and your partner get to the bottom of what's going on in your relationship. If you already know part of the problem, that's a great start, but often there's something deeper going on that one or both of you might not even realize. That's when it's really important to be open with your therapist. Tell them about everything you're thinking and feeling and about the situations that happen that make you angry, sad, frustrated or anything else. Try to be specific when naming your emotions. 

It's also important to talk with your partner about all of the good things, too. Be open and honest about all the things that you love about each other or all the things that your partner does that you admire. Be willing to compromise on some issues and willing to look for new solutions. It's important to understand that both of you have responsibility in your relationship quality and outcomes, and both of you are required to adapt in order to repair negative issues. Even if your partner does something on their own to sabotage the relationship, you can control your actions and your own responses.

There are certain activities that couples therapists may prompt partners to engage in, which are often designed to help them trust one another better, improve communication, and control their emotions. Examples include:

• Mindfulness and deep breathing exercises: used for maintaining calm and composure during tense discussions
• Guided meditation and hypnosis: helpful for visualizing hypothetical scenarios and making deliberate choices
• Role-playing: performed to help couples practice new skills or consider different perspectives
• Emotion-focused therapy: exploring the impact that certain emotions have on the relationship
• Cognitive behavioral therapy: helping couples change thought patterns aligned with resentment, contempt, defensiveness, etc.
• Acceptance and commitment therapy: assists partners in behaving more in line with their personal values and practicing acceptance in the face of experiences they can’t control
• Internal family systems exploration: shows couples how childhood attachment issues may be impacting their current intimate attachment style

The above list of therapeutic approaches is hardly exhaustive when it comes to all of the ways couples therapists can support people in relationships. If you have researched different techniques, you can always mention them to your therapist, who should be able to provide more information and help you determine if it’s an appropriate method to try.

Will couples therapy make me want to end my relationship?

Many couples realize in couples counseling that they should end the relationship; if their goal is to end the partnership amicably while inflicting minimal damage on each other (or children, if involved), that’s a great goal. While people get married with the hopes that they will not divorce, divorce is not necessarily a negative outcome. 

If you and your partner decide that the best thing is to split up or if you decide that the only way for you to be healthy and happy is to walk away, that's okay. Getting therapy means that you'll be able to fully understand what's happening in the relationship and make a strong and informed decision about whether you can work it out or it's time to walk away.

If you do decide to walk away, that doesn't mean you should stop going to therapy. It means that while you may no longer need couples therapy, individual sessions could help you come to terms with what happened in the relationship and how you can and should move on from this point. Getting over a relationship can be extremely challenging and learning who you are after you're no longer a couple can be difficult, as well. A therapist can help you transition into a different stage and feel happy.

Where can I find a great couples counselor?

If you're looking for someone that you and your partner can feel comfortable confiding in and talking to, consider all of the options. In-person therapy may be more or less reachable, depending on where you live. If you’re experiencing a less commonly diagnosed mental illness, your options may be more limited in face-to-face settings. Online therapy has many benefits for all different kinds of people, especially couples who may not be able to attend in-person therapy simultaneously.

Online therapy is a newer method of getting the help that you're looking for without actually having to leave your own home. You and your partner can communicate with a therapist who lives anywhere in the country without having to worry about getting to the appointments. That's because all you have to do to make each of your appointments is log on to the website and check in. 

MyTherapist is one great way that you can reach out to a therapist entirely online, without having to worry about booking in-person appointments. You'll be able to text, call, or videoconference with your dedicated counselor and start getting the help that you're looking for quickly. Whether you and your partner are home, somewhere else, or even in different locations, you'll still be able to get in touch with your therapist.

Numerous studies have affirmed the efficacy of online couples therapy. In one study, researchers recruited 15 couples to participate in an online couples education intervention. The researchers identified five themes from pre-therapy semi-structured interviews, reflecting the couples’ initial impressions and expectations of the program format. Overall, the trial results reveal that the couples experienced a positive shift in their expectations and noted that the videoconferencing format allowed them to feel completely immersed in the therapeutic process.