Exploring Adult Attachment Styles: What Is Ambivalent Attachment?

Many people have heard of attachment styles when it comes to how we relate to each other in the world. Our attachment styles – the relationships we formed with our primary caregivers in early childhood – set the stage for responding to our environment as adults. People with ambivalent attachment styles have different behavior patterns than people with other attachment styles (such as anxious, avoidant, or secure attachments).

This article takes an in-depth look at the ambivalent attachment style related to children and adults. We'll provide an ambivalent attachment definition, illustrate how this type of attachment manifests through certain behaviors, and explore recommendations for resolving insecure ambivalent attachment in current relationships.

An overview of attachment styles

As mentioned, our attachment style entails the type of relationship we form with our primary caregiver(s) in early childhood. John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth were the pioneers of attachment theory, having conducted studies of mothers and their infants in the 1950s and 1960s. 

Essentially, attachments can be classified into two broad categories: secure and insecure. In Ainsworth’s experiment, referred to within the psychology field as the “strange situation,” a caregiver left their infant unattended in a room for a brief period of time and eventually returned. Those children with a secure attachment did not show signs of distress when their caregiver left the room, indicating that they trusted their caregiver would return. When the caregiver reappeared, the securely attached children showed joy and felt comforted by their caregiver’s presence.

Infants who develop an insecure attachment style do so due to neglect or an inadequate response to the infant child's needs. In Ainsworth’s experiment, two types of insecure attachment were observed: anxious and avoidant. In insecure anxious attachment, the infant showed near immediate distress upon the caregiver’s departure and cried more than the other two types (secure and insecure avoidant). If a stranger entered the room during the mother’s absence, the infant avoided them and showed fear. When the mother returned, the infant may have approached her, but in a resistant manner (i.e., pushing her away).

On the other hand, infants showing signs of insecure-avoidant attachment showed no signs of distress when the mother left the room. They were content if a stranger appeared and showed little interest in the mother upon her return.

A fourth type of attachment – insecure disorganized – was later identified by Main & Solomon in 1990. Infants who develop a disorganized attachment style do not have confidence that their caregiver relationship is safe and reliable. While they may love their caregiver, they may also fear them as a result of inexplicable, inconsistent, or frightening behavior. On one occasion, the caregiver might comfort them with love and kindness, while in other scenarios, the parent might ignore, mock, or yell at them.

It is important to note that the attachment style we develop with our primary caregivers is often a predictor of our attachment style with intimate relationship partners; that said, it is possible that we maintained different attachments with different caregivers, and it is also possible to show anxious attachment in one relationship while displaying avoidant attachment tendencies in another.

Ambivalent attachment style basics

You may have noticed that ambivalent attachment has not yet been named as one of the four main attachment styles (secure, insecure anxious, insecure avoidant, and insecure disorganized). As more research has been conducted on attachment, scientists have continued to make distinctions within the main styles of attachment. 

The ambivalent attachment style (also referred to as anxious-preoccupied) falls directly in-between anxious and avoidant attachments; the infants in these scenarios likely received intermittent support and nurturing in infancy, which is aligned with an avoidant attachment. On the other hand, they cannot detach from their primary caregiver, which is a sign of anxious attachment. As a result, they may experience a sort of internal tug of war.

Children with ambivalent attachment styles may develop behavior patterns that are clingy toward the primary caregiver. The ambivalent child reaches out excessively to the primary caregiver. When the caregiver eventually responds, the child then rejects the caregiver and the cycle repeats. People who develop ambivalent attachment styles as children often carry these styles with them into adulthood.

Ambivalent attachment in adults

Adults with the ambivalent attachment style can experience turmoil in their lives due to their response to caregivers, partners, and other intimate connections. Like the ambivalent child, the ambivalent adult may consistently seek attention from the desired person. Once they get the attention they crave, they may reject the person and then repeat the process. This is not a healthy coping style, and adults who behave in this way may have far more serious consequences in their lives than children who have this attachment style.

Issues with attention-seeking followed by indifferent behavior can cause ongoing issues in the ambivalent adult's life that place them on a never-ending cycle of moving in and out of jobs, friendship groups, intimate relationships, etc. For example, a person may repeatedly request and then demand that their spouse spend more time with them. However, if their partner only responds to their request for quality time intermittently, they may respond in a cold fashion when their request for attention is finally honored.

This never-ending pattern can go on indefinitely without professional intervention. Adults who are experiencing repeated negative results should seek support from a licensed professional. A licensed professional therapist can help an ambivalent adult learn to recognize their negative behavior patterns to prevent repeating them in the future.

 Online therapy options for forming secure attachments

Online therapy provides a convenient, affordable option that connects mental health seekers with board-certified and licensed professional therapists. These highly educated and trained professionals are available online in real-time to provide therapeutic support to clients who have issues with attachment. Through online therapy platforms like MyTherapist, users can schedule virtual counseling sessions at times that are compatible with their schedules; additionally, they can connect with their therapist from any location with a secure internet connection.

It is possible to form secure attachments in adulthood even if you did not have secure attachments with your primary caregivers in childhood. There are many therapeutic approaches your online counselor can take, such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or attachment-based therapy.

Cognitive-behavior therapy focuses on teaching individuals how to learn new social behaviors and apply them to their lifestyle. This brain-based therapy functions under the principles of maladaptive beliefs, rewards, and punishment. The therapist will likely apply techniques to help you understand that your original beliefs about the amount of support available to you in the world no longer apply. That idea can negate the original idea that there isn't any support available to you in the world - at least anymore.

In attachment-based therapy, counselors engage the participant in two processes in order to target thoughts, feelings, communications, and behaviors that participants have learned to either suppress or avoid due to early childhood attachment experiences. The first process involves forging a secure relationship between the therapist and the participant, which is the single-most impactful predictor of positive therapeutic outcomes in attachment-based therapy. The second process aims to address suppressed or avoided emotions overemphasized in early childhood insecure attachments.

Both CBT and attachment-based therapy have had positive outcomes for people seeking therapy in online settings. Research shows how online therapy has effectively reduced the symptoms of depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and anxiety for people of all insecure attachment styles. In a separate study, online therapy assisted participants in resolving anxiety, avoidance, and loneliness while boosting their self-esteem.

It is important to conduct your research when it comes to attachment-based therapy, as there are several modes underneath that larger umbrella which are considered unethical – these techniques are not employed by licensed therapists at MyTherapist, who adhere to up-to-date therapeutic standards and ethical stipulations.

Takeaway

Perhaps this is your first time learning about attachment styles, and part of this article is strongly resonating with you. If you or a loved one is living with challenges that may be related to ambivalent attachment, or any other type of insecure attachment, it is important to know that you are not alone. It is estimated by some studies that approximately 35% of people have some type of insecure attachment. 

Ambivalent attachment is not a choice; this attachment style is developed due to engagement in early childhood, and it can be resolved in adulthood with the help of a compassionate, professional counselor. If you're ready to take the next step and start learning more about how your childhood relationship with your caregiver(s) is impacting your current relationship health, contact a MyTherapist professional to start today.