How Childhood Insecure Attachment Styles Can Damage Adult Relationships
Have you ever wondered about the traits and behaviors that shaped your personality before you became aware of the world around you and old enough to take charge of yourself? Many people ask questions like these as they come of age and realize the effect of their upbringing on their adult behavior.
One of the most widely researched topics in this area has to do with.
In this article, we answer the question, "What is insecure attachment?" We also take a look at how the development of insecure attachment styles can negatively impact adults who developed this style as children, including how it can affect their relationships.
Attachment styles - an overview
The concept of attachment styles and how they develop isn't a new topic. The psychology community has studied attachment styles theory and the effects of these styles on human behavior since the early 1970s. According to an ongoing research study performed by Mary Ainsworth in the early 70s, we develop three primary attachment styles in early childhood.
Each attachment style has its own set of criteria and rules. All the theories mentioned here relate to the attachment between an infant and a primary caregiver.
A child with a secure attachment style knows they can count on their primary caregivers to meet their food, shelter, and safety needs, whereas a child with an insecure attachment style may be either clingy (insecure-resistant) or aloof (insecure avoidant). The final attachment style is considered disorganized and can result in rage and anger.
It is important to understand that there's no choice involved in developing an attachment style. Attachment styles develop in infancy and early childhood as involuntary biological behaviors that help us stay safe.
Insecure attachment defined
What is an insecure attachment? Because of neglect or inadequate support in infancy, insecurely attached people developed an independent coping style that can carry over into how they behave in adulthood.
According to the Ainsworth attachment study, people who develop insecure attachment styles "are likely to have a caregiver who is 'insensitive or rejecting of their needs'." The study states that people with insecure attachment styles may have developed this coping style because their attachment figure was unavailable or withdrew from them at a critical time in their lives.
Ainsworth theory of attachment study
The Ainsworth study paid close attention to whether an infant showed distress when their primary caregiver would leave them and how they would react when that caregiver returned. Over time, some infants began to show no signs of distress under adverse circumstances. Insecurely attached infants who showed no sign of distress developed this behavior over time as their needs remained unmet.
The second part of the study related to the infant's response to strangers. In the strange situation test for insecurely attached infants, the infants showed similar disinterest in the stranger whether (or not) the caregiver was present. This further supports the theory that insecurely attached infants develop an apparent indifference to their caregivers after their needs are not met over a period of time.
Insecure attachments in adults
Insecure adults often display the same behaviors as insecurely attached infants. We often misunderstand adults with an insecure attachment style, as they are more easily able to disconnect from people and circumstances, and this can be disconcerting. When you look closer, you'll realize that insecurely attached people inadvertently learned that they have to take care of themselves because no one has their back.
Adults who have insecure attachment styles often have trouble connecting with others in relationships because of their tendency to disconnect. They may find it easier to resolve conflicts in intimate relationships by removing themselves from the situation instead of working it out. Their attachment insecurity has taught them to believe that their voice isn't likely to be heard anyway.
Insecurely attached adults don't only feel insecurely attached from their partners in intimate relationships. They may go through life with a certain detachment level that can cause other people to question their motives. An insecurely attached person may have mental health issues like depression and anxiety due to their inability to seek comfort from others.
As you may have guessed by now, when it comes to determining what kind of attachment style an individual has, the primary caregiver in infancy and their attentiveness (or lack thereof) to the child's needs have a serious impact on the style the child develops.
Attachment styles link closely to the development of a child's self-image. Infants and children who have caregivers who were attentive and met their needs are less likely to develop an insecure attachment style. On the other hand, infants who have caregivers who aren't attentive to their needs are more likely to develop insecure attachment and poor self-esteem, as they tie the care and attention they failed to receive directly to their self-worth.
Positive or negative self-images develop along with an attachment style in early childhood and can carry over into adulthood.
Insecure attachment in adults may show up in the form of an inability to sustain relationships or employment, mental health-related issues, or addictive behaviors like alcoholism or substance abuse.
Support for building healthy attachments at any stage
People with an insecure attachment style can develop issues in intimate and family relationships because of this style. When these issues turn into major challenges, consulting a licensed professional for guidance may be the best thing to do.
Online cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) can help those who have a negative self-image work on turning that self-image around. During online CBT, people with issues related to their attachment style can learn new coping skills and strategies to help them think more positively. This can, in turn, help improve their relationships and other facets of daily life.
BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that can connect you to a licensed therapist. You will be able to schedule sessions at a time convenient for you, and you can chat with a counselor anywhere you have an internet connection.
Your attachment style doesn't need to define you. With support, you can learn to overcome it.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs):
What is insecure attachment?
In short, insecure attachment is a relationship style where the main bond has an element of fear.
What causes insecure attachment?
As covered above, insecure attachment is an attachment disorder that is believed to form early in a person’s childhood. It is currently believed that this attachment style develops when a child, whether intentionally or not, does not have their needs completely fulfilled. Still, it makes forming an insecure attachment far more likely.
What does insecure attachment look like in adults?
Although an insecure attachment typically develops in a child at a young age, it can reach adulthood. There are a number of different attachment styles that can manifest at this point, mainly avoidant attachment styles. Regardless of the specific attachment style that forms, adults with insecure attachments may have a harder time depending on partners, have conflicting feelings regarding intimacy, or require frequent assurance from those close to them that they are wanted.
How do you know if you have an insecure attachment?
It’s important to recognize that anybody can experience insecure attachment, but recognizing the attachment patterns can help a person seek the help they need to overcome this challenge. As previously mentioned, avoidant attachment is one manifestation, along with the above signs, but those living with insecure attachment may also exhibit ambivalent or disorganized attachment. Those afflicted by the former may often find themselves anxious or preoccupied, in addition to seeking out validation from those they care about. Both avoidant and ambivalent attachment is classified as organized insecure attachment, meaning someone experiencing these can typically come out on top of complex situations. Those living with disorganized attachment, though, often find themselves feeling depressed or severely anxious. Frequent outbursts of erratic behavior and finding oneself caught in a cycle of the perpetuation of trauma are major signs of a person living with an attachment disorder.
How do you fix insecure attachment?
With that said, the first step towards fixing an insecure attachment recognizes the attachment patterns that reveal one has formed an insecure attachment style. Seeking a counselor trained in helping people living with an insecure attachment style can help overcome this challenging situation. Alternatively, coming to terms with one’s own story and how one might have developed an infant attachment can help shed light on the attachment disorder's specific cause. It’s important to be a keen observer of your own behaviors and how your insecure attachment manifests. Identifying one’s own attachment patterns can be easier to spot if any triggers cause negative emotions associated with attachment styles.
How common is insecure attachment?
Over time, researchers have begun to grasp attachment theory through studies and forming different tests more solidly. What was discovered through these tests is that more people live with an insecure attachment style than a person might believe. In fact, it’s currently estimated that 40% of people may be living an insecure attachment type.
What are the 4 types of attachment?
Avoidant and preoccupied, also known as ambivalent attachment, are the two types of organized insecure attachment styles. Fearful-avoidant, however, is a disorganized attachment style that manifests into more severe attachment patterns. Under attachment theory, these are the four main attachment styles that have been identified by researchers. Of these four types, those living with disorganized attachment usually exhibit more extreme signs.
What are the signs of attachment disorder in adults?
Spotting an adult's attachment pattern may seem difficult, but there are a few signs to keep an eye out for. The signs change slightly depending on whether an adult is living with an organized or disorganized attachment disorder. Those with an adult attachment disorder categorized as organized will typically be uncomfortable with closeness and value independence in a relationship. Alternatively, these may also crave intimacy or feel insecure in their relationship. Those experiencing a disorganized attachment will likely have chaotic episodes marked by seeking closeness with a partner before inexplicably pushing them away. One exhibit's attachment pattern varies greatly depending on the trauma or situation one experienced as an adolescent.
How can you tell if someone has an insecure attachment?
What is insecure attachment also called?
When does insecure attachment develop?
How do you cope with a partner who has insecure attachments?
Can people with insecure attachments change for the better?
Can partners with both insecure attachments ever overcome the challenges in their relationship?
Why does having insecure attachment negatively affect relationships?
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