Couples counseling – also known as couples therapy – is designed to help couples of all backgrounds improve aspects of their relationship through meeting with a trained mental health professional. There are many reasons why couples may seek counseling services, and it doesn’t necessarily have to be a “last resort,” depending on your goals. In fact, one survey revealed that 71% of those with previous couples therapy experience would recommend it to other couples.
You don’t have to be going through a mental health condition like depression or anxiety to reap the benefits of couples therapy. Maybe you wish you and your partner communicated better or did more fun things in your free time. Perhaps you’re hoping to take a proactive approach to having your first child by discussing how you would like to develop parenting styles. There are many reasons why people seek couples counseling services; ahead, we’ll share the benefits of participating in couples counseling and provide resources for getting started.
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Most couples counseling participants would recommend it to others
How couples counseling can benefit your relationship
It is common for problems in a relationship to be ignored, brushed off, or mishandled. This can cause the relationship to derail or fail completely. If your relationship is in trouble, or even if it's going splendidly, couples therapy provides a safe, professional space to work toward your goals and overcome obstacles together. Here are just a few reasons why couples therapy can benefit you.
Couples therapy addresses miscommunications
Miscommunications can erode a relationship. Each member of a relationship has their own communication style. Sometimes, you may think you got your point across clearly, and then it turns out that your partner didn't understand what you meant.
For example, let's look at chores. You ask your partner to do the laundry. You want them to do it now, but your partner interprets that as "do the laundry within the next few hours." When you find out your partner hasn't done the laundry yet, you may become angry, and your partner may become defensive, as they did intend to do it eventually.
Even minor miscommunications can wear a relationship down. By figuring out why miscommunications happen and how expectations are not aligned, a dating coach or therapist can help you be more direct, empathetic, or detailed.
Couples therapy addresses lack of communication
One of the most important premarital counseling topics is communication between couples. Sometimes, problems arise because of a lack of communication. Some couples do not communicate with each other often. Maybe they are tired from work. Perhaps they feel like there is nothing to say. You may feel like this is harmless, but it may lead to a couple drifting apart.
The lack of communication can also result in suppressed emotions. There may be a quirk that your partner has that drives you mad. Anything from leaving dirty dishes on the counter next to the sink (but not in the sink or dishwasher) to conveying a false bravado around their friends that they wouldn’t put on in front of other audiences. You may ignore it to keep the peace, but your annoyance might bottle up until you can't take it anymore. You explode, and the relationship is damaged because of it.
A counselor can help both couples express themselves by teaching them effective communication skills, like active listening, monitoring nonverbal cues, and asking questions to learn more about how one’s partner is feeling.
Couples therapy teaches partners how to deescalate arguments
One reason arguments rarely end well is due to human nature. We are biologically wired, as humans, to defend ourselves; in modern times, this often looks like wanting to be right all of the time and justifying our point of view without hearing anyone else’s. These kinds of behaviors, fueled by the stress response, can escalate an argument to the point that we say or do something we don’t mean.
A counselor can be the mediator who helps both parties see the other's thoughts or points out discrepancies in the statements made by both parties. This can help the couple cool down and allow them to send their messages in ways that are more likely to be received by their partner. With most arguments, there is usually a solution that both parties can agree upon; however, many are not looking for solutions and instead are subconsciously searching for opportunities to prove how they are right.
Couples therapy helps reunite the flame
You're likely not going to be as passionate as you were when you two were young and first dating. However, your relationship shouldn’t be completely devoid of excitement. There was a reason the two of you became attracted to one another, and by getting back to those reasons, you can reignite the flame and find creative ways to keep the passion going. A counselor can help you to remember why you were so attracted to your partner in the first place.
Couples counseling assists with learning how to parent together
Often, the reason couples argue when they are parents is disagreements on how to raise their children. One parent may be stricter than the other, and there may be debates because of that. A couples therapist will support partners as they discuss how to approach discipline, schooling, giving equal attention to multiple children, and raising youth who are living with learning disabilities, mental health conditions, or other difficulties. If there is a parenting topic where partners seek more insight, the couples counselor can direct them to evidence-based resources.
Counseling helps couples move on from infidelity
One of the biggest hurdles a couple may confront in their relationship is infidelity. You are supposed to be connected to your partner for life, and when one of you cheats, it can cause the other partner to question all aspects of their relationship. What is true and what is not? When can they rely on their partner and when can they not? What other secrets is their partner keeping from them?
You can end a relationship immediately, which might deprive both of you from experiencing real closure. You could also visit a couples counselor to explore why the unfaithful partner chose to cheat. The more information you have, and the more time you’ve had to process your emotions, the better equipped you will be to make a decision about how to move forward, either in or out of a committed relationship.
Sometimes, it’s just good to know your options and have all the information you can in order to feel confident in whether to break up or stay together. Maybe your relationship has been lacking intimacy. Perhaps you’ve been cheating, as well, and your partner was just the first one to get caught. While infidelity is serious, a counselor can help both parties understand why it happened and help them forgive and/or move on.
Couples therapy helps resolve financial issues
Many relationships fail due to finances. In one study, it was revealed that 41% of divorced people from Gen X and 29% of Boomers say they ended their marriage due to disagreements about money. One person may be spending their money in a way their partner does not approve of. There may be a change in finances that affects the relationship, such as an injury or job loss. Even petty disagreements such as what kind of groceries a partner buys can lead to more tense arguments.
It is important to talk calmly and regularly about finances if you want your relationship to last. A counselor can help couples engage in honest, nonjudgmental conversation about their finances and give advice on how to approach financial conflicts before they arise (i.e., paying for college tuition, signing a prenuptial agreement, spend on wants versus needs).
Couples therapy encourages you to see things from your partner's perspective
In our own stories, we tend to play the protagonist or the hero. This mentality makes it hard for us to view things from the other side. It's hard to show empathy and look at the event from your partner's perspective in a disagreement. By looking at an issue through your partner's lens, you may realize more nuance to their point of view. While your partner may not be entirely in the right, you may realize that you weren't, either. A couples therapist can teach you how to analyze an issue from multiple perspectives, even ones outside of your and your partner’s thinking.
Couples therapy supports people in all types of relationships
When it comes to couples therapy, you don't need to be married or in an intimate relationship with someone to benefit from it. A couples therapist may work people in all kinds of relationships, including:
Families: Whether there are siblings quarrelling or children estranged from parents, couples therapy can help keep a family keep the peace and overcome disagreements or difficulties.
Friends: If friends have betrayed one another, grown apart, or hurt the other’s feelings in some way, couples therapy can help them repair the issue.
Business partners: A business is often co-founded by two people who have a similar vision. Over time, that vision may change, there may be disagreements, and the business could be put at risk. A counselor may help fix that by talking to the partners and figuring out a compromise that works for both of them.
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Most couples counseling participants would recommend it to others
Therapy for couples is commonly viewed as a last resort, but that is not always the case. Think of your relationship as a car. Many car owners do not wait until their car is beaten up, leaking, and hanging by a wheel to take it into a shop. Instead, they will take their cars in for regular maintenance checks where a professional can look for and fix problems before they end up costing an exorbitant amount of money or a significant inconvenience.
The same applies to relationships. Even if your relationship is strong, a therapist can check for issues that can be fixed now rather than later on when partners may have let grievances pile up. For example, if there's a quirk from the spouse that bothers you, you may not express your feelings about it until your emotions are at their limit. Addressing the issue now will benefit you much better in the long run.
Couples therapy provides a sense of closure
Many relationships that are on the rocks can be fixed. However, certain misalignments and missteps will solidify the end of a relationship. Perhaps the two of you aren't compatible, or you cannot reach a compromise when it comes to your differences. You may think that a breakup means therapy has failed, but this isn't the case at all. The therapist can teach the two of you how to end the relationship amicably.
Untreated, your relationship could have ended in disaster. Messy divorces, custody battles, revenge, spite… there are many ways a bad end to a relationship can cause lasting negative consequences. A counselor can help fix this by having the two of you part ways on good terms and help you pick up the pieces. They may use approaches like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to help both parties assign positive meanings and results to their relationship. If children are involved, they can help divorced partners get on the same page with co-parenting.
Online couples counseling for busy partner
For many couples, the question "Is there marriage counseling near me?" is a valid one. Depending on where you live, you may have more or less difficulty finding a licensed therapist who is experienced in your area of need. In other scenarios, divorced couples are willing to attend therapy together, but they live in separate areas of a city, state, or country.
Online couples therapy platforms have many advantages, including being more affordable than traditional in-person therapy. Through online counseling platforms like MyTherapist, you can schedule sessions at times that work for you and your partner or ex. There’s no need to travel to an in-person therapist’s office, either. This aspect can be particularly beneficial for couples who prefer to attend therapy from different locations, like their home or office.
Many couples have experienced the benefits of online relationship therapy. In one study, 30 couples between the ages of 21 and 69 participated in an online intervention designed to improve their relationship satisfaction. The online therapy program was effective, and participants additionally experienced improved overall mental wellbeing.
Takeaway
If you're having relationship problems, there is no shame in talking to a therapist to attempt to resolve the issues. The thing that determines whether an issue is fixable or not is each person’s willingness to accept personal responsibility for their words and actions, apologize for previous wrongs, and commit to changing behavior. When you overcome obstacles as a united front, that can strengthen your relationship bonds even more. Disagreements and mistakes don’t have to be harbingers of a relationship’s end – they can serve as opportunities to grow. Reach out to a compassionate, nonjudgmental licensed online counselor at MyTherapist to start working toward your relationship goals.
Frequently asked questions
Is couples counseling worth it?
Overall, counseling can help you improve your communication and conflict resolution skills. It can also be a cathartic outlet for your feelings about your relationships. Many de-escalation and processing techniques you learn in couples counseling can be applied to your other relationships, as well. Because people generally benefit from therapy of any type, couples counseling usually results in healthier behaviors and greater confidence, even if the relationship you seek counseling does not last. Ultimately, couples counseling is what you make of it.
What is the success rate of couples therapy?
About 70 percent of couples who seek counseling improve their relationship. However, the type of therapy couples seek is important as well. A good couples therapist can identify problematic behavioral dynamics and thought patterns, then teach both partners tools to overcome conflict. One highly effective type of couples therapy is emotionally focused therapy (EFT). Each partner’s love languages, communication tendencies, and intimacy needs are considered as the therapist helps them recontextualize their feelings toward each other.
What should you expect at couples counseling?
Couples’ therapists generally begin with a joint session in which the couple can give a bit of background about their relationship. Couples with children can talk to a family therapist about parenting disagreements and conflicts over values to teach their kids. Other topics potentially addressed include each partner’s goals for a future together, concerns about emotional support and trust, and whether or not separation or divorce is needed.
Moving forward, marriage counseling or couples therapy will include regular joint sessions to explore each partner’s issues. The therapist will help each partner understand the other’s point of view and adapt their behavior, if necessary. This allows each partner to process feelings and resolve thought patterns that may be affecting their relationship dynamic.
Sometimes, a couples counselor may work individually with one or both parties, and then reconvene in joint sessions. The structure and frequency of your engagement with a couples counselor will depend on your needs as an individual and couple.
Does couples counseling work for cheating?
Every couple is different, but as long as both partners agree to participate honestly in the process, it’s possible to restore trust and intimacy even after infidelity. Relationship therapy is highly beneficial for processing negative emotions and resolving insecurities, both of which emerge in cheating situations. Sometimes, the couple can mutually decide it is healthier to break up. In any case, couples therapy can be a worthwhile process after cheating, and if done well, can help couples recover from infidelity. Either way, couples can benefit from therapy immensely.
Is it too late for couples counseling?
Some couples experience years of fighting and avoidance without seeking help. This constant conflict can severely impair trust, intimacy, and other parts of a healthy relationship. However, it is still a good idea to seek couples therapy if both partners mutually agree to participate. Counseling can help both partners clarify their goals for the relationship and unlearn some of their behavioral patterns.
In couples therapy, you may learn communication techniques that deescalate conflict and promote healthier interactions. This may include using “I feel” statements, re-framing negative feelings, and breaking out of thought patterns, e.g., catastrophizing or black-and-white thinking.
You may also gain insights into your partner’s feelings, expectations, and fears that were hard to express in the heat of the moment. These valuable skills are a major benefit of couples therapy. Relationship counseling provides a safe, constructive space where both you and your partner can honestly explore your feelings and find ways to resolve your conflicts.
How long is a couples therapy session?
Depending on couples therapy, couples can expect to spend anywhere between 50 and 80 minutes in a counseling session. The initial session may be longer. Most couples spend 12 to 15 sessions over a period of months to maximize their benefit from therapy. This gives them ample time to process their feelings and work through their concerns.
What should you ask in couples counseling?
After you find a therapist, assemble a list of concerns, frustrations, or distressing observations about your relationship, as well as the things that you love most about your relationship and/or partner. You are free to ask questions of either your counselor or your partner at any time during a couples therapy session, but remember that the therapist will also ask specific questions and give you activities to guide your progress.
It is also best to ask open-ended questions, as opposed to yes or no questions. Doing so invites your partner or the therapist to provide more insight. Avoid asking leading questions designed to get your partner to affirm your point-of-view or argument, or questions aiming to disprove or invalidate your partner’s feelings. Regardless of who did what or what resulted, a person’s feelings about those events are always valid. When you ask a question, you should convey that you are sincere in hearing the other person’s answer, versus attempting to manipulate a conversation your way.
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How can counseling help come up with essential solutions?
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